Baconvision: Jim Gaffigan on Bacon
“I just had some bacon. Anybody ever had bacon before? It’s good. Oh, my greasy lover, bacon. It’s the best!
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. If it weren’t for bacon, we wouldn’t even know what a water chestnut is. “Thank you bacon. Sincerely, Water Chestnut III.”
And bits of bacon, bits of bacon are like the fairy dust of the food community. “You don’t want this baked potato? Brrring! Now it’s your favorite part of the meal. Not interested in the salad? Bibbity bobbity BACON. I just turned it into an entree.”
But once you put bacon in a salad, it’s no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of ‘find the bacon in the lettuce’. It’s like you’re panning for gold. Eureka!
There is something dishonest though about putting bacon in a salad – it’s kind of like smoking while you jog. “I want the BLT, but I’ll just get a salad with bacon and tomato. Can you put it between two pieces of toast and stick a toothpick through it? That’d be great…”
It’s amazing the shrinkage that occurs with bacon. You start with a pound, you end up with a bookmark.
I never feel like I get enough bacon, at breakfast it’s like they’re rationing it. “Here’s your two strips of bacon.” “I want more, more bacon!”
Whenever I’m at a brunch buffet and they have that big metal tray filled with the 4000 pieces of bacon, I always think, “If I was here by myself…I would eat only bacon. I would steal this tray, go lay down, and eat bacon all day.”
But you can’t eat bacon all day, cause it’s horrible for you. You know bacon’s bad when a healthier choice is a donut. And we’ve known bacon is bad for thousands of years. It’s literally a restriction on entering certain religious. “Our rules: No Killing, No Cheating on Your Wife, No Bacon.” “Oooh, what was that last one?” “No Bacon.” “Aaah, I’m in the wrong line.”
“How many bacon jokes is he gonna do? It’s like, come on!”
But bacon is that good. I bet if you put bits of bacon on a strip of bacon, you could travel back in time. It’s like a tasty vortex.
And fat back, supposedly fat back is like bacon on steroids, you know. I’ve never tried fat back, probably because it’s called ‘fat back’. I don’t know what creeps me out more – fat or back. Why don’t they just throw in hairy while they’re at it? “That’s some good hairy fat back. That reminds me, your mother called.”
“That’s gotta be the end of the bacon jokes…”
I even like the name Bacon. You can’t tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn’t somehow tied to his name. You’re not going out to see a Kevin Hot Dog movie. “Who’s in this movie?” “Kevin Bacon.” “Sounds good.”
Thank you very much. You’ve been like bacon.